Enslaved No More: Chris Cornell Reflections

Losing Chris Cornell hurts. Truth is, I usually don’t give a shit when some celebrity dies. What’s it really matter to me? Some rich, famous person passed away. They probably lived a good life, never knew me, and I never knew them. But this one turns my stomach and brings tears to my eyes.

Maybe it’s because his lyrics spoke to me.  I still can belt out “Like a Stone” dead on and discovered that, somehow, I wasn’t a hack when I channeled my inner Chris at Karaoke night.  His searching, his soulfulness, his spirituality, his solitary dance with sobriety and sanity- they were all mine too.  One time after I nailed singing it, some random stranger said it sounded good but found it a little dark and disturbing.  Guess she just didn’t understand- but he did and so did I.  His lyrics gave voice to the ups and downs, the questions and confusions, the pain and the pleasure that I knew well.

Maybe it was his voice.  Distinct, driving, and raspy, he soothed me when I needed to be soothed and often revved me up and pushed me through a run or a therapeutic session throwing weight around at the gym, like an animal in a cage.  He was there after an early mid-life crisis, including snapping my Rage Against the Machine CDs in half and throwing them away.  Who was I to proclaim I “Raged Against the Machine” anymore when I was enslaved by a job, a home, a cable bill, and my business casual wardrobe brought to me by Macy’s?  But Audioslave and Soundgarden had the sound I loved with the words that captured a new struggle and promised a new hope.  A little less rage but just as much disillusion, not as much nihilism but a continued acknowledgement of difficulty peppered with resilient individuality and perseverance.  Still looking for my place and my peace, his passion and perspective became the soundtrack for a decade in my life.

Maybe it was his life.  His song lyrics became a gateway to reading articles and interviews in which I discovered a man unapologetically himself- a survivor of addiction, a battler with depression, a poet who pursued his vision, a philosopher who morphed to find his truth, a loner who found solace and expression in his art, who discovered his most effective method for communication were words on a page and notes on an instrument.  His life was a journey including euphoric moments and black days but he was open with the world in each changing season and mood, allowing me to feel like I knew him and pushing me to better know myself.

Maybe it’s just me.  I cry for him knowing that the tears are for myself.  His battles with addiction are mine.  His dances with depression are some of the only steps I know.  His questions about faith voice my own doubts but, just like me, his exclamations about the beauty of life often overflow.  His ability to produce words that one day inspire and another day destroy are my words too.  His unwavering individuality is something I can only aspire to possess.  I can only hope that I find my own voice, my own lines, my own unique pitch as well.

This morning when I saw the news at first there were still questions- how did he die? did the hard living catch up? did the drowning weight of addiction pull him back down? Now I read that the cause was suicide- death by hanging in a hotel room after another rousing night on the stage.  And it hurts even more.

I can only hope and pray that somewhere Chris Cornell is in a room, waiting patiently and peacefully, surrounded by other beautiful souls finally free from the torment created by our flawed flesh and exacerbated by our perplexing world.  Death by suicide is not a morally wrong choice- it is a fatal symptom born of a devastating disease.  The darkness of depression never gets distinguished- perhaps it gets pushed away into the attics of our minds but it’s always there lurking, waiting for free reign and a chance to cast its blindfold over our eyes.

Chris Cornell’s art lives on and, therefore, in some way he does too-that is the beauty of being an artist.  But this one hurts because he was more than a celebrity; oddly enough, he was a friend.  “Be yourself,” he advised, “is all that you can do.”  I just wish that he was still with us to be himself too.

 

Im/perfect Mask

You always say your fine,

You give the same old line.

Wearing a perfect mask,

You hide when others ask.

Inside emotions boil,

Your mind infertile soil

With weeds and rocks, decay-

Illusion saves the day.

They pass without a clue

Of hidden shades of blue;

They rush on breezing by,

Internally you cry.

Some days you drop your guise,

A break from feeding lies

With hopes that they will care;

Instead you feel them stare.

Again you wear your face

As nothing can replace

That old familiar trick-

A façade when feeling sick.

I guess it’s just your style-

You hide behind a smile.

You always say your fine,

You give the same old line.

Unfinished

Please be kind, can’t seem to find the right words on my mind, get me out of this bind, help me find meaning in the grind. Can’t press rewind…

Take a step back, regain what I lack, restore sacred pact or stop the hue from fading black. I’m under attack…

Slinging arrows at my own heart, stumbling before I start, bumbling and fumbling my own part, seeking solace in art, trying not to fall apart…

At the seams, stuck in a bad dream, hanging onto a beam, losing steam, just wanting to redeem…

Myself. Refind where I once was,remind myself of the because, rekindle flames of lost love, restore that fading vibrant buzz, remind myself that all does…

Have meaning, opportunities for redeeming, visions worth believing, moments for resteaming, ways of finally cleaning…

The stains soiling my days, storms shrouding my ways, vision clouded with haze. I want to raze…

Burn it all down to the ground, silently cleanse without a sound; next comes the rebound, proclaiming at last lost but found. I fall down…

On my knees, saying please make this disease cease and help me seize the keys to times of ease and calmer seas.

Reborn

I am reborn, came out of the storm;

I am renewed have found what is true.

I gave you my soul, you’ve taken control;

I gave you my strife, I gave you my life.

Take me to places that I’ve never dreamed,

Let me see colors that I’ve never seen,

My eyes opened wide, I’ve swallowed my pride-

I give you control, give life to my soul.

I am reborn- no longer torn-

no longer worn- I am reborn.

Now I am new- What will we do?

With morning dew, I walk with you.

Take me to places that I’ve never dreamed,

Let me see colors that I’ve never seen.

Renew my soul, I give you control.

Show me what’s true as I walk with you,

You’ve seen me through- now I am new.

A Splinter of Sun

A Splinter of Sun

I was broken and battered and bruised;

I was running in circles confused;

I was thinking it’s all just a ruse,

numbing pain with drugs and booze.

 

I was broken and battered and bruised,

even thinking it’s time for a noose,

often claiming there’s nothing to lose

with dark voices compelling to choose.

 

Then dark clouds covered the sun,

I lost my will to have fun.

Looking back at all I had done

felt there was nowhere left to run.

 

Then the rains came from skies-

washed away all my disguise-

cleansing all of my lies-

and I opened my eyes.

 

A splinter of sun touched my face,

I knelt on my path in this race,

decided was time to embrace

Great Spirit’s unending grace.

 

I may be broken and battered and bruised

but I still have time to choose,

sing to me you are my muse

these are the words I will choose:

 

Today my path is new,

I’m gonna come out of the blue,

see colors of different hue,

exploding as I walk with you.

 

I am healed I am helped I am held,

my spirit is yours to weld;

done sticking with my old form,

you’ve carried me through the storm.

On this day I am reborn,

you’ve carried me through the storm,

I am no longer torn.

Waiting Room

Once again I sit in a waiting room, ready to open my soul- bare- to a stranger in hopes that he can tweak me, slightly adjust these parts of my mind that seem not to work and modify my mentality. Or is a total overhaul in order? Or maybe, just maybe, nothing at all- just a swift kick in the balls?

When we sit down what should I discuss? My history exposes valleys and peaks- do I include the moments of which I rarely speak? Am I really that bad? Really that off? Or could we just look at my good side where it’s not that rough? Should we delve a little deeper, digging past the carefully crafted, meticulously maintained exterior, to expose the deep flaws and dark places hidden inside my mind?

Sitting in the waiting room, waiting to bare my soul, I realize it may be too late to claim disclosure is in my control, as the cracks are already showing I’m not whole. Straining to hold it together the past years of my life makes it easier to see that everything’s not right. Don’t judge by my appearance as it can still mislead, but get me talking about my struggles that have grown suffocating as weeds.

Time to have no fear and let it all out; not try to fight but instead laugh, cry and shout. All in one day, I’m nasty and nice; my moods vacillate with the roll of the dice. Keep quiet when I’m down and lay low when I’m high, fearing others might notice and then they might pry. Sometimes can’t stop crying when others aren’t around and other days can’t cry if my house burnt to the ground. Either laugh way too much, telling inappropriate jokes, or can’t laugh at all, even with a few tokes. For these past couple years I’ve taken many a hit, but try as a might I still feel like shit.

I’m hungry, I’m empty, I’m lost, I’m confused. Will you help me, my doctor, or is this just one more ruse?

I wait in the waiting room, with a simple appeal: fix me, doctor, fix how I feel.

A moment or two more, I’m left alone. I realize while waiting I don’t sink like a stone. All this time I’ve been staying afloat- really don’t need doc to throw me a rope. I’m open, no doubt, to learning how better to swim, receiving guidance to navigate this ocean I’m in.

But my time for waiting has now come to an end; already long overdue for me to mend. I lift up my eyes, look at the clock, no longer waiting on the doc.